Best. Spam. Ever.

Like everything else on the internet, this blog attracts a lot of spam.  In fact, I’ve just checked and since it began in March 2008 I’ve had 22,642 spam comments.  For purposes of comparison, I’ve had 1,786 legitimate comments over the same period.

Anyone else feeling hungry all of a sudden?

That seems to be a ratio of something in the order of 13:1 in favour of the bogus comments.*  To be honest, I’m not sure if 22,000 spam comments over 3 years is a lot or a little in the grand scheme of things, but the ratio is fairly eye-watering, I think, especially since it strikes me I do quite well for legitimate comments.  (For a small, noodle-y blog like mine, anyway; I know some bloggers wouldn’t get out of bed for fewer than 80 comments per post.)  The really astonishing thing is that I’ve reviewed every single one of those comments and confirmed that they are bogus – even assuming a scant 5 seconds per comment, that’s an hour and a quarter of my life I’ll never get back.

Most of it is deathly dull, of course, but sometimes the spam filter throws up comments that are trying to look legitimate but have been so badly mangled by auto-translate that they’re little more than random assemblages of words.  Very occasionally those random word assemblages can achieve greatness, either as unintentional comedy writing, or as something like auto-beatnik poetry.  The very best of them, though, manage to be both, and the other day I received what must be the best spam comment ever submitted to this blog.

Some of it reads like an only fractionally less literate version of corporate speak:

We build a gargantuan area of security services and are proud to fling up not not high-minded quotes, but a mine of gen that form relieve you in good deal the insurance venture and making an indemnification manifesto that commitment reserve your needs and your budget.

I’m pretty sure, back in the days when I was a lowly bank functionary, Fred ‘the shred’ Goodwin used to say things like that in the occasional video addresses I was forced to snooze through watch.

Sometimes you can work out what auto-translate was aiming for, but missed:

Your privacy and security are substantial to us.

Sometimes the way it misses is gently amusing.  I’m pretty sure this –

Cheer touch free to conjunction us with any questions, suggestions or comments.

– was meant to begin Please feel free

Other times, though, its just off-the-wall crazy:

The just ones allowed access to the facts you confess the beans are surety agents passage of vim your solicit and modify you with a quote.

I have no idea what that means, although ‘confess the beans’ sounds like the first stage of a 12-step programme for coffee addicts.  And I’m not really sure I want to ‘solicit’ my ‘passage of vim’, either, since it sounds like it might be an arrestable offence: “The accused was found in a quiet residential area, your honour, and was attempting to flag down passing motorists with a view to soliciting his passage of vim.”

Sometimes, though, it seems to pass through the thickets of incomprehensibility and emerge into a whole new area of previously unsuspected lucidity, almost as though it had been written by some latter day Lewis Carroll:

Affordable fettle assurance is handy you about the skin of equal’s teeth require to recall where to site it and fetch someone who understands it be effective to explain it to you and your family.

Most own salubriousness dissemble plans ordain the nonce you with condition defend coverage as a substitute for of upstanding thither every genus of situation.

I mean, ‘handy you about the skin of equal’s teeth’; ‘ordain the nonce you with condition defend coverage’: I’m sure if I think about those phrases long enough they’ll start to make sense.

Anyway, enough of the edited highlights, here’s the whole comment in full.  It’s worth reading it all to get the full flavour.

we are dedicated to plateful customers discovery the tucker imaginable healthiness surety quote in the person home – including unitary robustness plans, stroke discomfited bund constitution plans, or stalwart fettle insurance. We build a gargantuan area of security services and are proud to fling up not not high-minded quotes, but a mine of gen that form relieve you in good deal the insurance venture and making an indemnification manifesto that commitment reserve your needs and your budget. Your privacy and security are substantial to us. The just ones allowed access to the facts you confess the beans are surety agents passage of vim your solicit and modify you with a quote. You feedback is important. Cheer touch free to conjunction us with any questions, suggestions or comments. Affordable fettle assurance is handy you about the skin of equal’s teeth require to recall where to site it and fetch someone who understands it be effective to explain it to you and your family. Affordable characteristic well-being surety plans are typically uniquely made to association up you or your families condition requital needs. While choosing a teleplay dominion publication of thorny it is much easier then most individuals realize. Most own salubriousness dissemble plans ordain the nonce you with condition defend coverage as a substitute for of upstanding thither every genus of situation. Whether it is the most central security plan or the foresee with inexhaustible constitution bond options, you can bearing an affordable salubriousness insurance sketch that is blameless representing you and our family. Of course you paucity to partake of as myriad options at one’s disposal recompense your salubrity coverage as arguable;

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to check that my bund constitution plans have not been unduly stroke discomfited.

* – I think: I last tried to calculate ratios in 1990 when I was sitting my GCSE maths for the second time, and those were simple ratios (e.g., “Marika has 21 apples, and Alphonse has 7.  What is the ratio of Marika’s apples to Alphonse’s?”).  Oh, and I’m not sure about the rounding up thing – the actual ratio is 12.677:1, but I’m pretty sure I remember that ratios have to be whole numbers.  Anyway, comments berating my desperate ignorance of basic mathematics are welcome; comments which explain how I’ve got it wrong are actively encouraged.

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4 Responses to Best. Spam. Ever.

  1. Dr Zorro says:

    “Like everything else on the internet, this blog attracts a lot of spam.”
    My blog has never had a single item of spam. Ever.
    Does this mean no-one ever reads it?

  2. Hi Dr Zorro, thanks for commenting.

    Well, I followed the link so I can guarantee that at least one person has read your blog! (And having read it and seen the comments of course I know plenty of other people must read it, too.) As for the lack of spam – does Blogspot maybe filter them out without letting you know about it? I find it hard to believe you’re actually the proud owner of a spam-free zone. But, if you are, I envy you. :o)

  3. Dr Zorro says:

    I do have a spam folder and occasionally something appears in it. It has never been spam though, as the filter puts comments over a certain length in there. So I know the spam filter is working and that I can see anything filtered out. I expect they will find me sooner or later.

  4. gun street girl says:

    LOL Aethel, even your spam is better than mine. I too have way more spam comments than real ones (948 spam, 5 real) but all my spam comments are dreadfully dull and boring and awful. Most say “I like your best post. Please here read more about your interests.” and then a link to something like an online drug site.

    Here’s hoping the creative spammers will find me now that I’ve posted here. :)

Comments are closed.