Clambering out of the hole

Ok, so that wasn’t a lot of fun.  In fact, so much not-fun that I’m not going to go into much detail about it, because I really, really don’t want to think about it.  The basic facts though:

I couldn’t really sleep, I found it hard to eat anything except chocolate, I had a constant feeling that my head was about to explode from the pressure inside it, the world got very, very loud, I felt like I couldn’t think, kept losing my train of thought and coming up against dead ends where I’m sure there should have been memories.  I had trouble remembering how to do anything – literally, I wanted to boil the kettle, and I could remember the bit about going into the kitchen but I couldn’t remember what to do next, even though I knew I wanted to boil the kettle.  The whole thing was chaotic and horrible.  I don’t remember much of it in detail – mostly just the feeling, which was kind of like the feeling of déjà vu, but not about having done something before, but that feeling of things being strange, but strangely familiar.

Anyway, the whole thing was one of the least pleasant experiences of my life thus far, but it seems to be abating.  I managed a meal on … er … *checks calendar* … *uses fingers to count* … Wednesday night without feeling instantly and massively nauseated the moment I tried to eat, I got a reasonable night’s sleep, I got out of the house for a walk, managed another meal, another less-good-but-still-better-than-nothing night’s sleep, and arrived at today feeling almost sort of human, though still pretty washed out and fragile, and somewhat on the edge of tears.  Also, I’m still pretty depressed, which is a bit of a bummer – what’s the point of a crisis point if things don’t resolve after?

Why am I telling you this?  Well, partly so you know what’s been up with me, but also because I think I may be inclined to forget about all of this pretty quickly – there are good reasons for not wanting to keep it fresh in the mind – and I think this is the kind of thing I probably ought to remember having experienced.  And I’ve made it a public post so that…well, because I’m a blogger and that’s what I do.

Why am I second-guessing myself about telling you this?  I feel the need to defend myself when I post about this kind of stuff, which probably gets rather tiresome, but, hey, that’s just the way my head works.  Sorry.

Ok, off to get a cup of tea (assuming the kettle doesn’t confuse me again…) and try to lose the shaky feeling (which is probably just hunger).

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3 Responses to Clambering out of the hole

  1. gun street girl says:

    It’s not tiresome, and I’m glad you’re back.

    (And I thought I was the only one who couldn’t remember how to boil water. I remember standing in my kitchen with the pan in my hand and the faucet running not being able to figure out what the next step was)

  2. aethelreadtheunread says:

    Hi gun street girl, and thanks for the comment.

    I remember standing in my kitchen with the pan in my hand and the faucet running not being able to figure out what the next step was

    It’s a worrying experience, isn’t it? But at least it’s only temporary for both of us. :o)

  3. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better.

    I’ve also done the boiling water thing. I don’t drink tea, so for me when I have to do it, I get even more confused, because it’s not something I do very often. My brain isn’t what it used to be so I often get stuck half-way through things.

    I offered a friend a cup of tea last week and I never gave it her! Filled the kettle, but that is as far as I got. Only realised a few hours after she had gone and I had to text her to apologise – she was too polite to point the lack of tea out.

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