So, after what’s felt like decades (4 week campaign, my arse, we’ve been thinking this election was just around the corner from summer 2007 onwards), the canvassing has finally come to an end. The polls have opened, will soon close, and then starts the really interesting bit – the results show. Some people get excited about sports, and will reel off abstruse facts about, say, the batting average of the Surrey Second XI in the 1973 season. I’m sort of like that, but about politics. Seriously, I find election results shows fascinating, and have already laid in much-needed supplies:
- Wine – check
- Beer – check
- Chocolate bars for sleep-postponing sugar-rush at 4am – check
- Emergency back-up vodka for inducing brain damage/ death in the event of a Conservative majority – check
It occurs to me, however, that not all of you may be quite so sad excited as me (though, if you are, this video is pretty cool). For that reason I’ve come up with the following drinking game that we can all play.
I imagine ITN will be providing election coverage, and if you want to spend the night in the company of ‘impartial’ advocates for the Conservative party then Sky will be the channel for you, but to play this game you’ll need to be watching the BBC. Basically, every time one of these things happens, you should take a drink (though you might be better doing it with Ribena – I’m not sure Britain’s A&E departments could cope with the influx otherwise …):
- Anyone says “It’s too early to tell”
- Any party spokesperson answers a question about how badly their party are doing by talking about another party
- Nick Robinson says “This is a disastrous night for…”
- David Dimbleby brusquely interrupts someone to cut straight to a constituency for an imminent result, only to show a completely empty stage, apart from one bloke loitering almost out of shot
- Any reporter onsite at a particular constituency count says “Local issues have been very important to the campaign here in X”
- Anyone says of Jeremy Vine’s virtual-reality interludes that they are “just a bit of fun”
And one final extra-special bonus: you have to drain your glass if
- anyone makes a “well-hung” joke.
Anyway, I’m going to be back (probably) with a slightly more serious post later on, and am in fact considering the possibility of periodically updating that post during the course of the night as things occur to me. (What might be called ‘live blogging’, except I imagine I’ll be doing it so slowly it’d be more accurate to describe it as ‘nearly dead blogging’.) But I may change my mind, or alternatively get too drunk to be able to find my computer, let alone remember how to use a keyboard to make words happen.