I had to walk away. I’ve just had to. Somewhere between reading the accounts of abuse that were making me feel like someone was twisting my guts up in a knot, and knowing that every comment I made would be jumped on, and twisted, and misconstrued and misrepresented as though the only thing that mattered was winning a fucking pointless blog argument and the lives and the people destroyed by all this fucking complacency and self-serving look-the-other-way, I’m-alright-jack bullshit was just a minor incidental detail.
I’ve had to walk away. I’ve just had to. I can’t do it. I can’t control the feelings, I can’t keep a lid on the desperation that wells up inside me when I read about this kind of casual, calculated, it’ll-never-come-back-on-me-so-who-gives-a-shit cruelty by the strong towards the weak. I feel the same when I read about elderly people being abused in care homes, or kids being abused by teachers or priests. How does anyone not feel it, this awful, desperate desperation on behalf of these people, the weakest of the weak who can have their lives destroyed by the tiniest little flick of cruelty while the person who inflicts it forgets it 2 seconds later, and the people who watch it worry about their careers, and themselves, and every fucking thing except the people who have no hope except that someone will notice and help.
I sit in front of my computer nd trying to drag my thoughts together long enough to say what I want, to think and think and think knowing that every word I type will be taken apart and picked over by people who aren’t interested in hearing what I say, buit only in trying to find the flaw, the unconsidered little detail that they can worry away at and make seem worse and worse and fucking worse and all so they can ignore what I’m trying to say and what they know damn well im trying to say by=u theu won’t just fucking listen I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I couldn’t do it, I knew I couldn’t do it, but the part of me that knew is should keep quiet, and not get involved and just sit it out got dragged in because because because the whole fucking system is sick. It’s not sick because there are bad people in it, but because the good people in it don’t hold back the bad. It’s sick because the people who can help won’t help, not because they’re bad, but because they’re tired and worn down, and intimidated, and just to crawl home t the forget the patients who are lying in the dark lost and alone and and wiating for the next little flick of unregarded cruelty, the next little humililiation that will be piled on top of them
The system is sick, the world is sick, any world that can have this fucking shit i nit is sick, and it needs to change. It needs to change. I can see thast it needs to change but I cant fucking change it do it I cant do it I cant do it I cant icanbt I acnt l8i9ke some fucking preiceless prima donna and the people that get left in the shit by everyone else get left in the shit by me as well
You’re not going to fucking get me Ill fight you and fight you and fight you and you won’t get fucking anywhere near me. I amy not be able to defend anyone else but I can defend myself and this I s the last fucking warning so back off and leave me alone or youll fuckinbg get whatc you fucking deserve