I had to walk away.  I’ve just had to.  Somewhere between reading the accounts of abuse that were making me feel like someone was twisting my guts up in a knot, and knowing that every comment I made would be jumped on, and twisted, and misconstrued and misrepresented as though the only thing that mattered was winning a fucking pointless blog argument and the lives and the people destroyed by all this fucking complacency and self-serving look-the-other-way, I’m-alright-jack bullshit was just a minor incidental detail.

I’ve had to walk away.  I’ve just had to.  I can’t do it.  I can’t control the feelings, I can’t keep a lid on the desperation that wells up inside me when I read about this kind of casual, calculated, it’ll-never-come-back-on-me-so-who-gives-a-shit cruelty by the strong towards the weak.  I feel the same when I read about elderly people being abused in care homes, or kids being abused by teachers or priests.  How does anyone not feel it, this awful, desperate desperation on behalf of these people, the weakest of the weak who can have their lives destroyed by the tiniest little flick of cruelty while the person who inflicts it forgets it 2 seconds later, and the people who watch it worry about their careers, and themselves, and every fucking thing except the people who have no hope except that someone will notice and help.

I sit in front of my computer nd trying to drag my thoughts together long enough to say what I want, to think and think and think knowing that every word I type will be taken apart and picked over by people who aren’t interested in hearing what I say, buit only in trying to find the flaw, the unconsidered little detail that they can worry away at and make seem worse and worse and fucking worse and all so they can ignore what I’m trying to say and what they know damn well im trying to say by=u theu won’t just fucking listen  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do it.  I couldn’t do it, I knew I couldn’t do it, but the part of me that knew is should keep quiet, and not get involved and just sit it out got dragged in because because because the whole fucking system is sick.  It’s not sick because there are bad people in it, but because the good people in it don’t hold back the bad.  It’s sick because the people who can help won’t help, not because they’re bad, but because they’re tired and worn down, and intimidated, and just to crawl home t the forget the patients who are lying in the dark lost and alone and and wiating for the next little flick of unregarded cruelty, the next little humililiation that will be piled on top of them

The system is sick, the world is sick, any world that can have this fucking shit i nit is sick, and it needs to change.  It needs to change.  I can see thast it needs to change but I cant fucking change it do it I cant do it I cant do it  I cant icanbt I acnt l8i9ke some fucking preiceless prima donna  and the people that get left in the shit by everyone else get left in the shit by me as well

You’re not going to fucking get me  Ill fight you and fight you and fight you and you won’t get fucking anywhere near me.  I amy not be able to defend anyone else but I can defend myself and this I s the last fucking warning so back off and leave me alone or youll fuckinbg get whatc you fucking deserve

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6 Responses to

  1. Hope you’re okay aethelread and the rant has helped.

    You are wise to step away. I’ve tried to stay well clear of that conversation. I did read it at first, but I don’t have anything to add other than to condemn the abuse, which doesn’t seem to be the way the conversation was working.

    Take care of yourself. Avoid the triggers. xx

  2. Lucy McGough says:

    Don’t let the bastards get you down. Leave well alone.

    I know it’s difficult. Nobody believes you’re telling the truth if you’re mentally ill, and they automatically take the nurses’ side.

    I don’t know what to say. But if something on the internet makes you unhappy, leave it and never go there again.

  3. Lola Snow says:

    I wish I had something to say. I am so so sorry you are feeling like this. So much sadness and anger there, here, everywhere. It’s not right, as you said, it’s just all sick. I hope you are safe Aethelread , this post sounds desperate.

    Lola x

  4. You just reminded me of the things that I forgot during this last episode of depression. Why I live, why anything matters, why… everything.

    Your empathy is the most valuable thing on the planet. I know it hurts, but thank you so much for feeling what you do, for speaking up. It may not seem like it does much, but if it reminds one good person at the right time that they’re a good person so that they act like one… you have done more good than can be expressed. And I know that you must have this effect on people sometimes.

    I hope that you’re alright, and thank you so much for reminding me that it is possible to care. That caring matters. That the pain can be turned to good, to action to help those in need–and that I’ve done so in my life and can do so again. Thank you.

    (But, yes, walk away when you can’t take it anymore! Probably some of those who don’t get it now and who argue with you will later have their eyes opened and remember what you said, and they will feel ashamed and help someone in response. But you can’t give them the life experiences or outlook they need to change, and you HAVE done your part.)

    Much love and best wishes,

    Adair.

  5. Lucy McGough says:

    What Lola said. I hope you’re okay. Have you got any ‘real life’ people you can talk to? Or even internet people would do at a pinch. You’ve got my email address.

  6. merope3 says:

    just want to say…thanks for saying what needed to be said. hope you are ok.

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