People search for the darndest things

So, this is an entirely pointless post, and is basically just a method of time-filling for me, and space-filling for the blog.  Anyway, what I’m going to do is look at a few of the search terms people have used to find my blog over the past week, and write about them.  Yes it’s that interesting.  To be fair, some of the searches are mildly interesting.  For example:

stephen fry poof Yes, he is.

stephen fry married Not so far as I know.  And, anyway, he thinks the term ‘yoked together’ is more appropriate for same-sex couples who wish to formalise their relationship.

stephen fry partner What’s with the Stephen Fry fixation, internet-land?  Anyway, yes, he has one, but he prefers to keep out of the public eye, so I’m not going to name him here.  Pretty much every other result from a google search will name him, however.

what if I forgot to take Citalopram one time Don’t sweat it.  If it’s only a few hours after you should have taken it, then take it now.  Otherwise, just wait for your next scheduled dose.  (Don’t take two doses close together.)  Any negative consequences from stopping abruptly would only start to kick in when the level of the drug in your bloodstream has dropped substantially, and one missed dose isn’t going to have a major impact there.

ricky gervais, what did he say on john stewart A lot of things, only some of which I objected to.  But none of it was actually funny.

ricky gervais wanker  I imagine so.  But, to be fair, so are most people over the age of puberty.  Self-pleasuring is just too much fun to avoid.

ricky gervais [insert swearword of your choice here]  My, he’s not altogether popular, is he?

type of person that likes scrubs Massively intelligent, enormously witty and orgasmically good-looking people.*  That is to say, me.  (In the interest of strict accuracy, I should point out that I am not orgasmically good-looking, or enormously witty, or massively intelligent, but I do like scrubs.)

how demons cause mental illnesses They don’t.  Mainly because they don’t exist.

burecracy spelling  I feel your pain.  It’s spelled bureaucracy.

alan rickman gay  Not so far as I know.  But I agree, he is monumentally camp.

how do I know what kind of research I’m conducting  Well, if you don’t, nobody else is going to.

weird nipples  That’s a matter of opinion!  I happen to think I have very distinguished nipples…

so tired of being depressed  when will I feel better  I’m sorry you’re feeling depressed.  I don’t know when you will feel better, I’m afraid, but I can tell you one thing – you WILL feel better sometime.

adam rikitt sex  Adam is male.

catholic opinion on child abuse  Most ordinary catholics = horrified.  Many catholic priests = horrified.  A few catholic priests = guilty of perpetrating it.  The catholic hierarchy, including Pope Benedict in his previous life as Joseph Ratzinger = not keen enough on punishing offenders, and rather too keen to take offenders’ word for it that they’ll never do it again.  The fact that some paedophiles (as well as those who ‘only’ inflicted physical and emotional abuse on defenceless children) were able to get away with what they did because people thought they were holy = the reason I hate religion.  Well, one of the reasons.

does the catholic hierarchy believe in jesus  One assumes so.  Or maybe they’re just in it for the hats and the unthinking deference.

ideal man chest  It’s cruel to confine a man in a box, or chest.  If he keeps trying to run away, chains, padlocks, and a CB6000 are just as effective.**  (Note: Aethelread accepts no responsibility for any emotional, financial, psychological or other harm that results from googling CB6000.)

marky mark crotch  He still has one, but these days it likes to be known as ‘Mark Wahlberg crotch’.  It’s a serious actor, you know.

causes of mental illness  I’m not going to write your essay for you.

theories of cause mental illness  I said, I’m not going to write your essay for you.

depression and cognitive impairment  For the last bloody time, I’m not going to write your sodding essay for you!

jason donovan gay  Emphatically not.  To suggest, even as a joke, that he might be is a ‘poisonous slur’.  Not my words, but the words of the barrister whose services he retained during his libel action against The Face.  He is, in my personal opinion, an appalling actor and a worse singer, and deserves to be booed off every stage he ever sets foot on.  But he is definitely not gay.  That’s not gay.  Absolutely not.  Under any circumstances.  He’s totally, 100%, dyed-in-the-wool, heterosexual.

aethelread donovan  Just so we’re clear: I’m not related to Jason Donovan.  My surname is Unread…

first law of thermodynamics quotations  Unfortunately, the first law of thermodynamics is yet to master the art of the witty one-liner.

what do communists think about homosexuals  Depends on the communists, really.  Most of the major state experiments in communism (e.g. Russia, eastern europe) had a history of being fairly nasty (imprisonment/ forced labour/ coercive ‘psychiatric treatments’ etc) to poofs and dykes.  Interestingly, during the cold war, homosexuals were persecuted by both sides, and the official reason given in both cases was that they were (or were likely to be) collaborators with the enemy.  Well, I say ‘interestingly’.  What I actually mean is ‘sickeningly’.

harry potter conspiracy  I heard that there was this kids’ author, and she got together with this secret organisation called a ‘publisher’, yeah?  And they made these arrangements with these major US companies like Wal-Mart and Borders and Amazon to sell all these strange papery objects called ‘books’ that are covered with this mysterious code called ‘printing’?  And soon they had these ‘books’ in, like, every child’s bedroom in the whole country?  I mean, yeah, it could be innocent.  Maybe there’s some totally legitimate reason why they wanted to get every kid in the country ‘reading’ these ‘books’.  But, I’m just saying, if you were the FBI and you wanted to sneak a secret thought-control device that modulates brainwaves using ultrasound into every house in the land, could you think of a better way of doing it?  I mean, could you?  I’m just saying.  And look at JK Rowling, she’s a multi-millionaire, over there in Scotch-land.  Where did that come from, if she wasn’t bought by the CIA?  Oh, sure, she says it’s the profits from all the books she’s sold, but that’s what she would say, isn’t it?  But they’re smart, I’ll give them that.  They’d never have got this stuff through anyone’s front door, never in a million years, except that they went for the kids, who didn’t know any better.  The kids, man!  Innocent, happy little kids, and they’re carrying all this alien technology from the Roswell ship into their parents’ house, and no-one even stops to check it!  It’s crazy, man.  I’m not worried for me.  I’ve got my bunker, and the bottled water, and the canned food.  I can go 6, 7 months underground, easy.  But this society?  This society is a dead man walking.

perfect body  Where?  Show me!

homophobes are usually gay  It’s a common theory.  There is some evidence that men who claim to be disgusted by male homosexuality are fairly likely to experience sexual arousal when they are show homoerotic pictures or videos.  But these experiments are, of course, only conducted on homophobes who agree to take part, and they may not be representative of all homophobes.

rapid reclaim JSA involves  Well, I don’t know, but given that it’s administered by the jobcentre plus I’m going to go out on a real limb here and say it involves more paperwork and ritual humiliation than seems strictly necessary.

stefan olsdal  Is a god amongst men, or at least he is if you go for gawky, geeky guys.  And if you don’t, you clearly need help.  (Note: an attraction to gawky, geeky females is also permissible, if you swing that way.)

attractive guys  Ah, I can help you here.  This has been a personal research interest of mine for some years, and I’m glad to share my findings with you all.  Firstly, it turns out that these individuals are usually: a) male; and b) attractive.  Secondly, while such creatures are frequently caught and displayed in the internets, they are maddeningly elusive in the real world.  Sporadic evidence (see above) suggests these noble and impressive animals may, tragically, be being confined in so called ‘ideal man chests’ by jealous owners, which may explain why they so rarely crop up in my life.

the black cat possible physiological illness  Er…you haven’t really given me enough to go on here.  Cats do suffer from physiological ill-health, so it’s certainly a possibility.  A vet may be able to assist you.

do women like pink  Some.  Barbara Cartland and the queen mother, for example.

why do women like pink  Well, my money’s on anything other than ‘because in the stone age they used to gather red fruit’.

inherited cause of mental illness  Well, you people are persistent, I’ll give you that, but once again – I’m not going to write your essay for you.

who was the man called legion  I don’t think anyone knows his real name.  Or that he was ever called legion.  Or that he ever existed.  It’s in the bible, after all, which is not a reliable historical document.  Even if you think it’s holy (and why would you, an intelligent, questioning person like you?), you still have to concede it’s pretty sketchy on the actual historical detail.

you know it’s the end of the world when  Your local political leader gets on the TV and tells you that a massive asteroid is on a collision cause with earth, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.***

aethelread the unread  You found me…


* – my spellchecker didn’t like the word ‘orgasmically’, and suggested ‘orgasmic ally’ as an alternative.  Isn’t that a fuck buddy?

** – Just so we’re clear – this is a joke.  Slavery’s bad, m’kay.

*** – Interesting typo of the week: I initially wrote ‘a massive steroid is on a collision course with earth’… 

This entry was posted in Atheism, Cheerful stuff, Comedy, Pointless navel-gazing, Religion, Sexuality, Social commentary, Stuff I've read, Stuff I've watched. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to People search for the darndest things

  1. cellar_door says:

    Aww you have such interesting people find you :o)

    Is it a wordpress thing that tells you what they’ve been searching for or is it a seperate program?

  2. Kapitano says:

    what if I forgot to take Citalopram one time

    You’ll miss out on the side effects?

    ricky gervais wanker

    Ricky Gervais has a personal wanker? Is he so lazy he can’t do it himself?

    Mind you, I’m a professional sucker. I suck at everything. Except, oddly enough, oral sex.

    type of person that likes scrubs

    The kind who likes loofahs and baths?

    how do I know what kind of research I’m conducting

    If you don’t know, it’s because you’re inventing a new field.

    adam rikitt sex

    How did Adam Rickett manage to be so sexy and yet so…sexless?

    catholic opinion on child abuse

    It’s annoying that all those satanic atheists go on and on about it.

    what do communists think about homosexuals

    They think they make good double agents. Or blackmail targets, which comes to the same thing.

    homophobes are usually gay

    Homophobes are usually dickheads. Though that doesn’t mean gays are usually dickheads. They are, but only because everyone is.

    attractive guys

    See under “too good for me”.

    why do women like pink

    Is it because their last album was written from an especially female sensitivity?

    aethelread the unread

    See under “attractive guys” :-).

  3. Lucy McGough says:

    Thanks for an entertaining post. Actually, the Bible contains a lot of historical detail. Some bits are really boring because they’re nothing BUT history – all dynasties and royal decrees and suchlike.

  4. 1minionsopinion says:

    My blog tends to collect search requests looking for funny babies, hamburgers and Michealle Jean, the Canadian Governor General.

    Once in a while people look for something to do with Zeus and Europa and a lot of people need to know what rhymes with Jesus. Every day someone’s looking for that answer…

  5. Alex says:

    ‘Unfortunately, the first law of thermodynamics is yet to master the art of the witty one-liner.’
    Messrs. Flanders & Swann beg to differ. ;)
    My search requests are really rather dull by comparison; probably the most unusual I’ve had lately is ‘why have my boobs been bothering me’, which I’m sure you’ll agree I’m thoroughly unqualified to answer.

  6. aethelreadtheunread says:

    Thanks for the comments.

    cellar_door – interesting…well, that’s a very nice way of putting it. ;o) Also, yes, finding out what people have searched for is a wordpress thing, but there are separate stats monitoring programs that will do it too, i think.

    Kapitano – Ricky Gervais has a personal wanker?

    I think he’s called Stephen Merchant, isn’t he?

    How did Adam Rickett manage to be so sexy and yet so…sexless?

    There always was something rather…empty…about him, wasn’t there? According to what he’s said since, he hated being packaged as a heart-throb (well, a something-throb…), so maybe it was just his discomfort showing through.

    attractive guys

    See under “too good for me”.

    Come now, i’m sure that’s not true, a fine figure of a man like you. :o)

    aethelread the unread

    See under “attractive guys” :-)

    Regrettably, i am rarely seen under attractive guys. Or on top of them, for that matter… ;o) But thank you – you’re very kind to say so. :o) And you definitely didn’t make me blush. Ahem. Moving on…

    Lucy McGough – Thanks for an entertaining post.

    You’re welcome, and thanks for saying it’s entertaining. :o)

    Actually, the Bible contains a lot of historical detail. Some bits are really boring because they’re nothing BUT history – all dynasties and royal decrees and suchlike.

    I’ll admit, i was thinking of the new testament when i wrote that. As for the old testament, well, i agree there’s a lot of detail in some bits, but other bits are fairly vague, i think. But i’m no bible scholar, so what do i know :o)

    1minionsopinion – blimey, you sound like you have an interesting crop of searchers. Do you often find yourself writing about hamburgers, funny babies and Governors General in the same post? Because if so then that sounds like a fascinating blog. :o)

    I’ve been trying to think of a rhyme for ‘Jesus’, but so far all i can come up with is ‘please us’…

    Alex – well now, if i were a pedant i would point out that the song is two humans making comments about the laws of thermodynamics, not the 1st law itself doing five minutes down at the comedy store… ;o) But still, i’m impressed that you found it. I will need to add it to my very short list of songs about science – the other two entries are ‘The Sun’ by They Might Be Giants (‘The sun is a mass/ of incandescent gas…) and ‘The Universe Song’ by Eric Idle. (I probably got both titles wrong, btw.)

    The boob question is interesting, not least because i can’t ever remember you having blogged about them… ;o)

  7. Lucy McGough says:

    Don’t forget Tom Lehrer singing the Elements Song.

  8. Astrid says:

    Thanks for entertaining me. Maybe I will steal your idea and do a blog searches blog post of my own (with credits to you, of course).

  9. aethelreadtheunread says:

    Thanks for the extra comments.

    Lucy McGough – I don’t know that one, i’ll need to look it up. Thanks for the tip. :o)

    Astrid – thanks for saying nice things. I will look forward to reading your post, if you decide to do one. :o)

  10. petrogenic says:

    Wonderful post – cheered up my friday no end. Thanks!

  11. Pingback: People search for the darndest things « Aethelread the Unread | People Finder

  12. lsnduck says:

    It could have been worse, there might have been a massive hemorrhoid on a collision course with Earth.

  13. Adair says:

    drinking water + spontaneous laughter = this post made me wet.

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