First up –
Carla: Have you heard of the expression ‘delusions of grandeur’?
The Janitor: Actually, I invented that term.
Secondly, one of JD’s daydreams, where he’s trying to work out how he could treat someone who’s dying because they’re sad:
‘Ok, people, he’s flatlining. Get me a box of kittens, stat.’
And then imagining himself in an advert for the product:
‘Possible side-effects of kittens include:
- Tiny Scratches
- Erectile Dysfunction’
Funny, because pretty much every medication I’ve ever taken has included erectile dysfunction in its list of possible side effects. Except Citalopram. That came with a warning of priapism instead, which is a prolonged and persistent erection. Priapism sounds funny, but is actually classed as a medical emergency, because if left untreated it can result in many things, up to and including ‘penile necrosis’, which is, I believe, medical jargon for ‘your penis turns a funny colour and drops off’. The first-line treatment for priapism is to have a hollow needle inserted into the penis in order to drain the blood. If this fails, the treatments get more gruesome.*
Hmmm, this was supposed to be a cheery post about why I like Scrubs, wasn’t it. Sorry.
In other news, a muscle in my neck/ shoulder has gone into spasm. It went into spasm part way through Saturday night, and hasn’t de-spasmed yet. If you want to imagine what it feels like, then imagine tensing one of your muscles, and then leaving it tensed for days at a time. Why, yes, it does hurt, although more in a grumbling, ‘I overdid it at the gym yesterday’ way than an acute ‘fuck I just stubbed my toe’ kind of way. Except, that is, for when you try to turn your head, which of course you can’t avoid doing when you’re asleep. Great fun.
This is something that happens to me from time to time. I was dragged to my GP the first time it happened – I would guess I was about 8 – and he said it was torticollis (although the description of the condition on Wikipedia makes it sound pretty different to what i experience(d)). Anyway, the treatment was: stay off school (result!); take painkillers; try to find a comfortable, supported position to sleep/ sit in; gently stretch the muscle by circling your head and flexing your shoulders every few minutes; wait for it to stop hurting; if it doesn’t stop hurting after a few days, come back. To be fair, it always does stop hurting, usually within two to three days – so fingers crossed.
Anyway, enough cowardly whining about the kind of minor shit most people just ignore.
And get me a box of kittens, stat.
* – If you take Citalopram, you shouldn’t worry, priapism is a vanishingly rare side-effect, and is mainly associated with overdose. Also, in case you’ve arrived here via a random google search,** no, Citalopram wouldn’t make a good cure for impotence. Stick with the Viagra (and get it from a doctor, not a spam email).
** – you’d be amazed the things people search for to arrive here. I mean, ‘sweaty shorts near crotch’?