Whatever I do, it’s never enough

I would like very much for this to be a happy post, telling you all that I’m in the first flush of health and full of the joys of spring, but I’m not.

I’m struggling, really quite badly, at the moment.  I’m not really sleeping.  I’m feeling hot and feverish a lot of the time, and I keep getting dizzy spells.  Every time I leave the flat I feel like I’m being chased along the road by some nameless, awful something, but at the same time I have so much energy I just want to walk and walk and walk.  Every time I lay my head down to sleep I get overwhelmed by waves of nausea so intense I have to sit up until they pass.

I spend the days longing for the night to come so that I can give up the pretence of doing daytime things and can just lie in the dark and listen to the occasional cars go past outside.  But then the night comes and I lie awake with my fists clenched waiting for the day to come so that I can give up the pretence of trying to sleep and can exist for a few more hours in a bright-lit world where there are people, and things happen.  I spend hours on my sofa propped up like a beached whale with the TV on, and nothing going in.  I sit surrounded by silence and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer, pointless awfulness of everything.

I can’t see the good in anything.  I looked out of my window this morning, down to the car park that surrounds the building I live in, and saw a man standing and waiting, and as he waited, he put a hand to his face.  What was he doing? – scratching an itch probably.  But I immediately interpreted it as an expression of the most awful, the most all-consuming grief.  I watched an old man struggle up the slope to the building opposite, stopping every few shuffled steps to catch his breath.  I see loneliness and desperation and despair everywhere I look.

I feel like I want to make everything alright for everyone, everywhere.  I want to save the world.  But I can’t.  I have no strength, and so I stand silently by while it spins on, and everything for everyone gets worse.  Today I feel like the whole world is tipping over the edge, that everything depends on me, but I can’t do the thing that needs to be done.  I can’t save anyone or anything.  I can only stand and watch while everything and everyone dies, and I’m overwhelmed by how badly I’ve failed.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in About me, Depression. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Whatever I do, it’s never enough

  1. cb says:

    I’m sorry it is so difficult. I wish I knew something better to say but I don’t really except that I’m reading and hoping that somehow a corner is turned sooner rather than later. Take care.

  2. I know that feeling well. It doesn’t help to remind yourself that actually, you can’t save the world. Take care, hope it passes soon. D

  3. NiroZ says:

    probably a good idea to try and lower your expectations, and just try and fix yourself for the sake of your loved ones.

    Oh, and if you don’t sleep for two nights in a row, get yourself down to the emergency room. Staying awake long enough is a great way to go crazy.

  4. Katherine says:

    I hate that feeling. I’m sorry.

  5. Lucy McGough says:

    ((((((((((Aethelread))))))))))

  6. loopykate says:

    Of course it doesn’t help to add that the world can’t be saved. But I’m going to reiterate it anyway.
    It might help just a little bit were I to tell you that you write a brilliant blog and I look forward to every new post. Therefore, you’ve helped me through many a bad day and a few bad nights. That’s no mean feat!
    I can strongly sympathise with you on the diurnal/nocturnal no-respite dilemma – and the being chased by something awful. It’s so unfair. These torments should be reserved for tyrants and dictators, not thoughtful, caring, sensitive, peace-wielding mentalist-blogger types who deserve nothing less than endless, happy sunny days and a regular restorative eight hours of un-disrupted sleep.
    I hope this feeling passes soon.
    K.x

  7. Katherine says:

    “These torments should be reserved for tyrants and dictators, not thoughtful, caring, sensitive, peace-wielding mentalist-blogger types who deserve nothing less than endless, happy sunny days and a regular restorative eight hours of un-disrupted sleep.”

    Damn straight.

  8. aethelreadtheunread says:

    Thanks for all the comments, and the kind wishes – it means a lot to get them. I actually got some good sleep last “night” (about 6 hours all told) so I’m feeling a lot more human. It was at the expense of allowing myself to sleep the morning away, which is not a great habit to get into, but i don’t think matters quite so much now we’re getting longer days. Sleeping through the morning is (for me, anyway) a bad thing when it means i see very little daylight.

    cb – thank you. I know (like a lot of other people) you’d make it all better if you could. :o)

    abysmal musings – thank you. :o)

    NiroZ – probably a good idea to try and lower your expectations

    Easier said than done, unfortunately, but absolutely the right advice.

    just try and fix yourself for the sake of your loved ones.

    The fixing of me is a far more remote prospect than the fixing of the world, i’m afraid.

    Oh, and if you don’t sleep for two nights in a row, get yourself down to the emergency room. Staying awake long enough is a great way to go crazy.

    Thanks for the advice, but if i sought medical help every time i didn’t sleep for a couple of nights, i’d hardly ever be out of the hospital. There isn’t a great deal they can do, anyway – i refuse to take addictive meds (never seen the point of being an insominiac AND a druggie).

    But, genuinely, thanks for the advice. (If i sound like i’m being snarky i don’t mean to.)

    Katherine – thank you!

    Lucy – thank you, too!

    loopykate – aww, thanks. Those are some lovely things to say. :o)

    Katherine – thanks again! :o)

  9. NiroZ says:

    Lol, reading back on my ‘advice’ I can’t see why I even said it. Ugh, what was I thinking. Thanks for not chewing me out.

  10. cellar_door says:

    Yay to sleep! And many hugs for the crappiness…am praying for lighter nights myself, just fed up of dark and cold and starting to get irrationally angry at the weather….

    x

  11. It sounds like you have the lurgie that is doing the rounds. This will have you feeling shit for a week or two. Get well soon…

  12. Pingback: This week I ‘ave bin mostly eatin’… « Aethelread the Unread

Comments are closed.