I would like very much for this to be a happy post, telling you all that I’m in the first flush of health and full of the joys of spring, but I’m not.
I’m struggling, really quite badly, at the moment. I’m not really sleeping. I’m feeling hot and feverish a lot of the time, and I keep getting dizzy spells. Every time I leave the flat I feel like I’m being chased along the road by some nameless, awful something, but at the same time I have so much energy I just want to walk and walk and walk. Every time I lay my head down to sleep I get overwhelmed by waves of nausea so intense I have to sit up until they pass.
I spend the days longing for the night to come so that I can give up the pretence of doing daytime things and can just lie in the dark and listen to the occasional cars go past outside. But then the night comes and I lie awake with my fists clenched waiting for the day to come so that I can give up the pretence of trying to sleep and can exist for a few more hours in a bright-lit world where there are people, and things happen. I spend hours on my sofa propped up like a beached whale with the TV on, and nothing going in. I sit surrounded by silence and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer, pointless awfulness of everything.
I can’t see the good in anything. I looked out of my window this morning, down to the car park that surrounds the building I live in, and saw a man standing and waiting, and as he waited, he put a hand to his face. What was he doing? – scratching an itch probably. But I immediately interpreted it as an expression of the most awful, the most all-consuming grief. I watched an old man struggle up the slope to the building opposite, stopping every few shuffled steps to catch his breath. I see loneliness and desperation and despair everywhere I look.
I feel like I want to make everything alright for everyone, everywhere. I want to save the world. But I can’t. I have no strength, and so I stand silently by while it spins on, and everything for everyone gets worse. Today I feel like the whole world is tipping over the edge, that everything depends on me, but I can’t do the thing that needs to be done. I can’t save anyone or anything. I can only stand and watch while everything and everyone dies, and I’m overwhelmed by how badly I’ve failed.