1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing? Salad is a posh word for a collection of grass-like substances that have been shat on by insects, birds, and assorted small mammals. Perhaps the only thing you could do to make it even more disgusting is pour rotten milk all over it.
2. Favourite late night snack? Biscuits. I like biscuits. Biscuits are my friend…
3. Do you own a gun? [Engage sleazy 70s porn star mode:] Only my love gun, baby. [Disengage sleazy 70s porn star mode]
4. What’s your favourite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop? I don’t really like coffee shops. They’re usually full of annoying metrosexuals, and I get an overwhelming urge to tell them all to stop pretending to be something they’re not and fuck off back to Spearmint Rhino. But frappuccinos (spelt wrong?) aren’t all bad.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? If I answer yes to this question, it would be a bit like saying that things can occasionally be a bit damp at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. But yes, I do get ‘nervous’ before doctor appointments.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think they should never be left locked in cars, but if you are going to do it, park in the shade, make sure they have plenty of water to drink, leave at least two windows open, and check on them and the temperature of the interior of the car every few minutes.
7. Favourite Christmas song? I hate all Christmas songs. I once worked in a warehouse, and the staff insisted on playing the same tape of songs on a permanent loop every day for over a month. I heard every Christmas song at least 6 times a day, every day, for what felt like the entirety of my life. I still have to leave shops if Paul McCartney’s ‘A Wonderful Christmas Time’ (the most cynical record ever made) comes on. BUT, if you pinned me against a wall and forced me on pain of death to name one, I’d probably go for ‘Stay Another Day’ by East 17. Partly because it sounds a lot like a better song (‘The Price’ by The Lightning Seeds), partly because it’s written in memory of the songwriter’s dead kid brother, which makes it pleasingly non-festive, and partly because I used to have a bit of a thing for Tony Mortimer (he’s the one at the back in the white shirt). I stress the words ‘used to‘ in that sentence…
8. What do you prefer to drink in the mornings? I’d prefer to drink double espressos. What I actually drink is Rooibos “I’m too much of a wimp to handle Tetley’s” tea.
9. Can you do push-ups? Last time I tried I could do 20 in a row. But that was a couple of years ago.
10. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery? I’ve never seen the point of jewellery. To me, skin is more attractive than metal and stones. (Hmm, that sounds suspiciously like I’m back in sleazy 70s porn star mode…)
11. Favourite hobby? Does trawling the internet for photos of topless guys count as a hobby? If not, I’d probably have to say writing this blog.
12. Do you have A.D.D.? Now, let’s see. Do I have attention deficit disord-ooh, what’s that over there…?
13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? The fact that I’m a very measured and controlled person. I find it very hard just to spontaneously be in the moment. (Ooops, that answer was almost serious…)
14. The last disease you contracted? Oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die-oh-no-wait-I-haven’t-itis.
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. 1) I need a piss. 2) I ought to stop footling around on the internet and go outside. 3) Thinking of 3 things is quite hard, isn’t it?
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Apple & Blackcurrant squash, Rooibos ‘tea’, water. (Yes, that’s right kids, my life really is one non-stop whirl of rock ‘n’ roll excess…)
17. Current worry right now? How long have you got? The edited highlights: 1) See answer to question 14. 2) Why, when I really do need a piss quite urgently, am I still sitting in front of my computer? 3) Why won’t the DWP tell me what’s up with my benefit reassessment? 4) Is today going to be the day I finally move from being a bit of an avoid-the-scary-man loony into a complete call-out-the-men-in-white-coats loony?
18. Current hate right now? Myself. See answer to question 17 for an explanation.
19. Favourite place to be? I’ll have to go with Cellar Door, and say bed. Although not together. What with us both liking guys. And her being married. And, it goes without saying, having far better taste than to be interested in me… :o)
20. How did you ring in the new year? In bed, on my own, with a heavy cold, and in a state of abject panic because some inconsiderate happy people had just woken me up by letting off an Armageddon’s worth of fireworks directly underneath my bedroom window.
21. Like to travel? Big fan of train travel, moderate fan of road travel, slightly dubious about boats, hate planes. And then whenever I arrive in a strange place I usually get massively paranoid and want to go home. But one of my life’s ambitions is to make like Stephen Fry just has, and spend a few months travelling all across the US (I’d want to do Canada too, mind). It might take a while, given that I’ll first need to overcome my fear of eating and drinking outside my flat, then overcome my fear of sleeping in another bed, then overcome my fear of flying, and finally pass my driving test. But, hey, it’s good to have ambitions. And I will make it one day, after a long enough sequence of small steps.
22. Name three people who will complete Sunday Stealing this week. What the hell is Sunday Stealing? Ah, my good friend Ms Google has just informed me it’s a blog that focuses on memes from around the blogosphere. Er…no idea. People who like doing memes on a Sunday?
23. Do you own slippers? Good god, no.
24. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black. Also black trousers, black socks, black boots and black underpants. When I go out, I have a choice of two black coats (one thin, one warm). If it’s raining I use a black umbrella, or wear a plain black baseball cap. What? Somebody told me black makes you look thin…
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Never tried it.
26. Can you whistle? Yes, both through my teeth, and in the grown-up, through your lips kind of way.
27. Favourite singer/ band? Good lord, you want me to name just one? Well, that’s more or less impossible. But I’m on a big Eels kick at the moment.
28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor? I am proud to say that I’m not a survivor. I am a quitter.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t have a shower. If I did, I wouldn’t sing in it. I tend to save my singing for when I’m in my living room with my guitar.
30. Favourite girl’s names? Brunhilde and Lavinia.
31. Favourite boy’s names? Septimus and Vladimir.
32. What’s in your pocket right now? Keys, wallet, tissue, spare battery for my MP3 player.
33. Last thing that made you laugh? Cellar Door’s answers to this meme.
34. Like your job? I don’t really have a job, per se. I do get paid money by the government for being a loony, though, so I guess you could argue that I’m a professional mentalist. In which case, no, I hate my job.
35. Apparently there isn’t a question here. I can’t be arsed to make one up. Tsk, I don’t know, standards seem to be slipping across the board these days.
36. Do you love where you live? Very possibly no-one else in the entire world would love where I live (1960s high-rise block in the middle of lots of other 1960s high-rise blocks), but I actually do. It’s the only place I’ve ever lived on my own (as opposed to flat-shares, and a longish period of ‘co-habiting’, as disapproving religionists put it), which means it feels like home in a way that nowhere else ever quite has.
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? One very small one that works, one that is approximately 4 times bigger than I am that I inherited from a friend, but which went bang and smoked quite a lot soon after I got it, and now just makes a distressed (and distressing) high-pitched squeaking noise when you turn it on. Every now and again I go and look longingly at super-sleek flatscreens in shop windows, then I remind myself I’m a pauper, and hurry back to my 13 year old portable in my grim, Stalinist flat… Can we say ‘urban dystopia’? ;o)
38. Who is your loudest friend? That would have to be David, who’s very short, and very camp, and blisteringly foul-mouthed, and quite, quite wonderful.
39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed? I can’t drive. I like to think I wouldn’t speed, but doesn’t everyone say that until they actually get behind the wheel?
40. Does someone have a crush on you? Not as far as I know. But I’m notoriously bad at spotting these kinds of things.
41. What’s your favourite book? Again, it’s impossible to limit it to just one, or even to one author. I have a lot of time for Terry Pratchett, Bill Bryson, and EM Forster, but if you twisted my arm up my back I’d probably plump (at the moment, anyway) for Kim Stanley Robinson, and The Years of Rice and Salt as possibly his best book. Probably. Unless I went for a different one. Or another author I haven’t even mentioned. Decisiveness is hard.
42. What is your favourite candy? That brittle, hard, porous stuff they call Honeycomb. You get it in the middle of Crunchie bars, but it’s at its best when it comes in uneven lumps in a white paper bag at a fairground.
43. Favourite sports team? Er…there’s that French rugby team who get their kit off in calendars. Gay stereotype? Me?
44. What were you doing at 12am last night? Watching the TV. To be honest, you could have asked me what I was doing at more or less any point in the past week, and my answers would have been either a) watching the telly b) footling and frittering on the internet c) sleeping.
45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today? Oh, ffs, it’s 8am! Who the hell starts drilling holes in the walls at 8am? (Answer: the electricity company. Maybe we’ll have fewer power cuts as a result.)
BTW, that Crunchie bar article I linked to has to be one of the most impressively geeky things I’ve ever read, especially the section on the manufacturing process. A geek who’s obsessed with sweets? I think I’m in love…