Scroll down to work out the significance of the title…
But first of all, before the interesting part of the post, mental health news. I am feeling – whisper it – better. Not a whole lot better, but better. I haven’t talked about it much on the blog (apart from Saturday’s ‘little’ eruptions…) but I really haven’t been having a great time of it. The rampant paranoia you obviously know about, but I’ve been experiencing the whole range of interesting experiences my mind seems to think I should experience from time to time. Lots of intrusive thoughts, and really horribly disturbing images every time I tried to close my eyes (guess how much sleep I’ve been getting lately). I’ve been convinced I’ve been seriously physically ill, even though I clearly haven’t been. I’ve been seeing and hearing quite a few things which I would anticipate other people would not have been able to see and hear. I’ve had real, climbing the walls, longing for death just so I can have a bit of a rest anxiety, interspersed with abject, soul-sucking depression. Anyway, that’s all changed.
Last night I got a reasonable night’s sleep, by which I mean I slept for longer than 10 minutes at a time, and for a total of more than 3 hours. Today I’m feeling calm and collected enough that I really have no physical symptoms at all. I feel warm, but not hot, and tired, but not exhausted. My muscles ache and my legs and arms feel heavy, but it isn’t agony to move. I really can’t describe how wonderful this feels. I am pretty heavily depressed still – it was almost more than I could do to have a bath this morning – but, compared with what I have been experiencing, straightforward depression is a relief. I’m falling quite far behind with my ‘personal grooming’ too. Obviously, it’s been months since I’ve had a haircut, which means I was already a bit of a ‘hairy fairy,’ but I’ve also been avoiding shaving, which means I’m now a ‘weirdy beardy’ too. But at the moment I don’t care about that. I am also, although I perhaps shouldn’t be, enormously pleased that I am continuing to cope without any medication, and with only fairly ‘light touch’ contact with MH services.
Anyway, to end with, a little something to make this post at least fractionally interesting, at least for some of you: a screenshot of my desktop. Warning: do not click ‘Read the rest of this entry’ (or ‘more…’ if you’re reading this on an archive page) if you feel an image of a topless gentleman is likely to offend, embitter, or over-excite you…
Now, of course, you’ll have noticed straight away that I’m running Windows XP, although I’ve modified it to look like Windows 95. I find it works better at 800 x 600 screen resolution – I have a fairly small monitor – and anyway, the “native” XP styling is hideous as far as I’m concerned. Some of you will also have noticed that I’m running Norton Antivirus, and Systemworks as well. Some amongst you may even have noticed that I’ve further modified the appearance of XP to make the backgrounds of the program icons transparent, changed one of the standard system icons, and removed the shortcut arrow from all of them.
Of course, it may be, for some reason or another, that you haven’t noticed any of that at all… ;o)
All due apologies to my straight male and gay female readers. Also, if anyone else is interested in the idea of showing off their desktop then please feel free to adopt this idea. I don’t know about you, but I quite fancy having a good snoop.*
* – I’m sure you’re all way more technically adept than me, but if you don’t know how to grab an image of your desktop: make sure your desktop is showing; left click somewhere on it (otherwise you may end up with an image of something else); hold down the ‘Alt’ key, and press the ‘Print Screen’ key (may be abbreviated to ‘Prt Scr’ or something similar); paste the resulting image into a graphics editing program, then save it to your hard drive so you can upload it to your blog.