Ahem…

*shuffles shame-facedly back into blogosphere*

Er…

Sorry about that, folks.  Both the rabidly paranoid rant in my previous post, and the making my blog private for a while.  BTW, I wasn’t playing favourites – nobody got a log-in for it (except me, obviously…), that’s just the standard screen that WordPress seems to throw up in these circumstances.

I also want to apologise to the experimental chimp, and anyone else who read my comment on my Barack Obama post.  I was in a – now, what’s a good euphemism?  oh, I know – ‘heightened emotional state’ yesterday, even before things took a turn for the worse.  This meant that I ended up assuming that, just because I’d reached an opinion on something, it must be correct, and that everyone who disagreed with me was either a liar or a fool.  Needless to say, the experimental chimp is neither of those things, just someone who holds a different opinion to me, and one that has much to recommend it.  More or less the only part of my original reply (I’ve since edited my comment) I would unequivocally stand behind is the sentence saying that I hope he is proved right.  I do, genuinely, hope that – I’d love to be wrong.

The blog went private for a little while because I needed to just batten down the hatches and feel like I was in control of everything for a time, and that meant no-one seeing what I had written.  At various points over the last 24-ish hours I’ve been convinced that the hail rattling against my window, and the seagulls who soar towards my building and then veer away at the last minute, were also part of the conspiracy.  That’s not very likely to be true either, but I’m not yet quite at a place where I can clear my mind of the possibility that everything from the people who bang on my door to the people who read my blog to the birds that fly by my window are connected in some way.  After a night and a day of trying to think about things as clearly as I can I am nearly at that place, though, so there’s no reason for any alarm.

Unfortunately, the entry-phone for my flat has gone off a couple of times today, and there have also been a couple of occasions when someone has pounded – and I mean door-rattling pounding, not normal knocking – at my door.  No new letters or pieces of paper have been put through, but these are still not ideal circumstances in which to try and reconstruct my peace of mind.  (I know, before you say this, that the best, easiest and quickest solution to the problem would be to answer the entry-phone or the door, and ask what the people want, but at the moment I’m too scared to find out what it might be.  Yes, I agree, I’m being pathetic.)

The level of activity is surprising, especially for a Sunday, and it makes me think someone is trying to get hold of me urgently for some reason.  I can’t for the life of me think what the reason might be, though.  None of my family or real-life friends have emailed me, so it’s unlikely to be a personal emergency.  I got a rent account statement only a month or so ago, and my Housing Benefit payments were all bang up to date, so it can’t be that I’m in rent arrears (and even if I were they’d write before they called round in person.)  I haven’t missed any medical appointments, and given that I’m not on any meds, I haven’t done anything else that might flag an alert like failing to collect a repeat prescription, so it’s unlikely that MH services are trying to get hold of me.  I can’t believe the police are trying to find me, but if they do think I’ve broken the law somehow they would, if it was something minor, have put a card through the door asking me to contact them.  If they think I’ve done something major, they’d have broken down the door, or got the spare key from the people who look after the building.  They’d also probably have opened the letter box and called out that they were the police – apart from the volume of the banging, this has all happened in silence.

Maybe it’s just that I’ve got an enthusiastic new housing officer who’s really pursuing the idea of the annual visit, and s/he is keen enough to be working weekends, and is banging loudly because they don’t know me, and so think I might be deaf.  Maybe it’s a really persistent charity collector – I was terrorised by repeated bangings for nearly a week last year sometime, and when I finally opened the door, it was someone collecting for the bloody canine defence league, and it turned out she’d been ‘knocking with her foot’ (or kicking my door, as it’s otherwise known) because she was carrying too much stuff to use a hand.  Maybe, by sheer coincidence, several people are trying to get a reply simultaneously.

Sometimes people knock on the door of one flat when they’re looking for a different one – each floor in the block looks identical, so if for some reason you can’t read the numbers on the doors, or aren’t sure what floor the person you’re looking for lives on, it’s not easy to tell if you’re in the right place.  They might also be on the right floor, but in the wrong building, as there are several buildings close together, and they all look the same.  Lots of people can’t work the entry-phone system either, and end up buzzing the wrong flat.  And sometimes kids who’ve been given a key to their flats, but not a magnetic key to operate the front door to the building (you have to pay a big deposit if you want more magnetic keys than there are signatories on your lease), will just buzz at random to get into the building.

I’m sure there are other perfectly rational explanations for what’s going on too.  But there’s no getting away from the fact that the letter from the electricity company is just plain weird, and that, throughout all the time I’ve been here, I’ve never had a weekend with so much activity with people trying to get in to my flat.  There is almost certainly something up, and I can be reasonably certain that it’s not paranoia that’s making me say that.  Equally, I can be almost certain that it is paranoia that’s making me think that whatever is up is sinister.  I always find I’m troubled much more by things that have a grain of truth at their heart than I am things that are wholly unlikely, because I can’t just dismiss them out of hand because there is a chance (albeit a very small one) that they might be real.

Anyway, sorry again for my ‘antics’ over the last day or so, and I hope I didn’t give anyone a fright.  Look at it this way, those of you who saw the original paranoid post (I’ve since edited it) now know how bad my typing and compositional skills are when I don’t take the time to revise everything fully …

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9 Responses to Ahem…

  1. cb says:

    You don’t need to apologise I don’t think. This is your space and we are guests. I’m sorry it’s been a difficult weekend for you.

    You probably don’t need more suggestions as to why someone would knock on the door but I wonder if it’s those people who want to get you to register to vote. They’re often around at this time and get paid per person that responds – and often tend towards ‘out of hours’ to get people while they’re in (I know cos my partner does that and he gets frustrated when people don’t answer the door when he thinks they are in). Not that I’m trying to defend them. I sometimes don’t answer the door if I’m not expecting someone (if I’m on my own).

  2. Nah, don’t worry, when I saw you had locked your blog I thought someone you knew had found it or some such. I hoped you’d be back…. I’d miss you from the blogosphere.

  3. la says:

    Glad you’re feeling on the up.

  4. Cellar_Door says:

    What cb and Deedee and la said :0)

    Glad you’re feeling a bit better. The stuff with a ‘grain of truth’ is always tough to get over, even for non-paranoid people. Paranoia isn’t rational, and all the reassurances in the world aren’t going to help when you’re head gets in that place.

    Sorry you’re having such a shit time anyway x

  5. Immi says:

    Ditto what they said.

  6. Alex says:

    Good to hear you’re feeling a bit better, A. You oughtn’t feel the need to apologise, either. After all, this is your blog.
    By the way, I promise I’m not part of a conspiracy. I’ve only ever been part of one, and it certainly didn’t have anything against you. ;)
    Hope you feel better soon.

  7. aethelreadtheunread says:

    Thanks for the comments, everyone. Gosh darn it, you’re all being so nice about it all. As Terry Pratchett had Death and Albert say in a book (possibly Hogfather, but don’t hold me to that):
    ‘What’s it called when you feel very small and very hot? I think the word starts with an M.’
    ‘Embarassed, Master.’

    cb – Thank you for your sympathy and your kind words. It’s nice to know i’m not the only person who sometimes hides when there’s a bang on the door. :o)

    DD R – no, i’m still safe in terms of having not been ‘found’ by someone from the real world, as far as i know. And thanks for saying you’d miss me. I’d miss you if you stopped blogging too. :o)

    la – thank you, and thank you as well for your words of wisdom on my previous post. You obviously have impressive reaction times, the post wasn’t up for all that long!:o)

    Cellar_Door – thank you, and, as with la, thanks for your words of wisdom on the last post, as well. It’s a very tricky one, i think, trying to reassure someone when they’re freaking out in the way i was on Saturday. There’s a danger the person concerned will just assume the re-assurer (is that a word?) is part of the plot or conspiracy or whatever. That said, seeing comments from you and la did help, because at least i knew i wasn’t alone. I wasn’t thinking very rationally when i put the post up, but i wouldn’t have put it up at all if i wasn’t in some way looking for reassurance. As i said to la, i’m impressed anyone had the time to post a comment – the post wasn’t up for long! :o)

    Immi – thnak you. :o)

    Alex – thank you. :o) And as for the gay agenda, i think that runs something along the lines of ‘We’re here! We’re queer! We’re going to drink some beer!’, doesn’t it…? ;o)

  8. Cellar_Door says:

    Hehe. At least my obsessive blog-roll checking has some uses :0) I was slightly concerned that I’d end up conspiracied, but I had faith that it wouldn’t be permanent…

  9. hehe I nearly commented on the last post. I saw it, but was on my mobile phone so didn’t stop to comment as it doesn’t always work properly on there.

    Glad you are okay and feeling a bit better about things. You definitely didn’t need to apologise though.

    Take care x

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