Right, bit of a stop-gap post this – I have a few things to say, but I’m lacking the ability to work what I want to say up into a witty, insightful and engaging post. So no change there, then.
After my walk on Thursday I’ve had a bit of a physical collapse – nothing serious or icky, but the arrival of some symptoms that, to medically ignorant me, seem to suggest that I’m physically run down. So I currently have two cold sores, one on the corner of each side of my mouth, which has been making it painful to open my mouth wide enough to get food in. Then, when I do manage to get the food in, I have a couple of mouth ulcers on the roof of my mouth, so finding a way of chewing that doesn’t hurt has also been tricky. I’ve also had an outbreak of spots – just ordinary common or garden spots, not a rash – around my nose and across my back. All in all, I’m looking pretty damn attractive…
I’m treating the cold sores with acyclovir cream, and it’s working reasonably well, despite what Wikipedia seems to think. The mouth ulcers I’m not doing much with, except using mouthwash regularly, which usually seems to clear them up in a couple of days. The spots I’m ignoring, although if they carry on I might have to go and buy myself a bottle of Biactol for the first time in 18 years. (Although if it makes me anything like as annoying as the cocky little brat in this advert, I’d rather be spotty…) I’ve also taken truly drastic, last-resort action by reducing my chocolate intake so that it’s now only at the level that would kill a small elephant. I’m also eating more fruit and veg.
My anxiety levels have gone through the roof. Not that long ago I was wittering on about how it’s rare for me to be depressed and have panic attacks at the same time. Well, not any more. Or, I suppose, to be accurate, this is proving to be one of the rare times when both are occurring in the same time period. I seem to be switching from blank despair to panic and back again a couple of times a day, which is not a whole lot of fun.
I have a reasonable idea what’s triggering the anxiety. My appointment with General Psychiatrist is fast approaching, and I simultaneously want to go (so as to find out what’s wrong with me) and want to not go (so as to not find out what’s wrong with me), which is making life inside my skull a bit crowded at the moment. But it’s not too bad, and I still have my sense of perspective – things could be a lot worse. Seeing and hearing things that aren’t real (or are probably not real) is not being much of an issue at the moment, which is good.
My action plan is proving as hard to stick to as I thought it would be. Last night I just couldn’t relax (or read, or listen to the radio) as a result of my anxiety (or, as Yvonne used to refer to it, possibly-more-than-just-simple-anxiety) and so lay for hours in a fixed position with my eyes and fists clenched tight, hoping that sleep would come and claim me. When it hadn’t done by 6am, I reset my alarm for 10-30. I tried to semi-kid myself this was just a Sunday lie-in, but it seems as though, at almost the first real hurdle, my willpower to stick through the insomnia has proved less strong than I might have hoped for. My intention to post more regularly here has slipped a little, but not too badly – I’m not letting it go longer than two days, which is something. My diet is definitely better than it was – I had oven chips on Friday, but that was the first time for a week.
The area I’ve really fallen down in (no pun intended) is my daily walk. I haven’t been out of the flat, except to buy food, since Thursday. It’s very frustrating, because I know this is making my anxiety worse, but I also know I’m just so scared that going out seems like an almost impossibility to me. I’m going to twist my arm up my back and frog-march myself out of the door after posting this because I know I will feel so much better for doing it. (I know it’s dark – that will actually make it easier, as there will be fewer people around, so I will feel less like I’m being spied on. Also the rain is easing off…)
After I get back, I’m going to have a meal (leftover vegetable curry that I made last night), watch Stephen Fry skipping merrily through America (and hope that this week’s episode is more interesting than last week’s), watch Graham Norton be…well…Graham Norton, and then try and persuade myself that sleep isn’t a completely alien concept. I’m hopeful I might succeed, as I’m feeling fairly tired at the moment. Also, for some reason, I always find it harder to relax on Friday and Saturday nights than I do any other night of the week. (Actually, I know the reason – till comparatively recently I was still drinking on those nights, and so I have to ignore the part of me that is still inclined to whisper in my ear that just one small glass of something would make it so much easier to relax…)
Ok, I’m going to stop wittering now. A proper post next time, I promise. (Note – this promise is not binding…)