Well, I’ve been having a look through what I’ve written over the last little while. I was quite surprised by a couple of things.
To start with, there seems to be a certain amount of anger. I mean, I haven’t tried to declare all-out nuclear war or anything, but still…
My description of myself comes across (I think) as angry-and-maybe-a-bit-funny where I was aiming for just funny. The account of my first psychotherapy appointment is full of a lot of anger aimed at people who were, after all, just trying to help me. The prime example, though, is over on mental nurse, where I come across not just as angry, but self-righteous and patronising too. I’m pleased I said sorry, at least.
I’m quite surprised to see the anger in what I wrote, as I’d normally think of myself as not really angry at all, and I would also have thought that I would have controlled it while I was yakking on like this in public. I’m not sure if I’m actually angrier than I think all the time, or if the anger is a new or temporary thing.
Either way round, it does show that writing this blog is going to be useful in a way I wasn’t expecting. I thought it would helpful by giving me something to do, and by encourage me to step slightly outside my self-involved emotional world. It looks as though it’s going to provide a way of keeping tabs on what I’ve been thinking as well, which is interesting.
On that note, the second thing that strikes me about this blog is that there’s more depressive thinking floating around here than I thought there would be – both this post and this one are fairly low in mood. Now, in some ways that’s not surprising (this is a blog about depression, after all), but it is surprising to me because I had aimed to keep the tone of the blog light. I thought I’d succeeded in keeping all the references to depression rational and matter-of-fact, but I clearly haven’t. Again that’s interesting – it shows how much the depression is still affecting my thinking at the moment.
And, of course, I have to bear in mind that there are people reading this (more than I was expecting, actually – thanks for that) and they’re probably more interested in writing that reveals something about the way I’m thinking and feeling than they are some dull sermon.
So, I have a couple of resolutions. First of all, I’ll try and keep this out of nothing-but-ranting territory. And secondly, I’ll try to make sure I show a bit more of myself in what I write. Partly because I hope that’ll make this more interesting to read, and partly because it’ll provide a way for me to keep tabs on myself. You never know, it might make me behave myself if I know I’ve got me glaring over my shoulder…